If you have to be sick, get to a chair quickly, preferably your human’s newest or favorite chair. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug.

Quickly determine which guest hates cats the most. Sit on their lap. If you can arrange for a particularly "fish breath", so much the better. For sitting on laps or rubbing against trouser legs, select fabric that contrasts well with your fur. For e.g: white furred cats go to black wool clothing. NOTE: velvet takes precedence over all other cloth.

For the guests who exclaims "I love kitties", be ready with aloof disdain and disgust, apply claws to stockings or arms, or use a quick nip on the ankle.

When walking among the dishes on the dinner table, be prepared to look surprised and lost when scolded. The idea is to force your humans to reveal that they tolerate this behavior when company is not there.

Always accompany guests to the toilet. It is not necessary to do anything – just sit and stare.

If one of your humans is engaged on some chosen activity and other idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping" otherwise known as "hampering".

• When supervising cooking, just sit behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted;
• For book readers, get in lose under the chin, between eyes and book unless you can lie across the book itself;
• For sewing projects or paperwork, lie on the work on the most appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work or at least the most important part. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or sewing needle. The worker may try to distract you, ignore it. Remember your aim: "hamper".

NOTE: Computers offer plenty of hampering opportunities. Jump on keyboards, chase arrows around the screen, lie on top of mouse cords. If removed, persist. Computers are the way forward.

For people working on weekly, monthly or annual activities (i.e. Christmas cards, shopping lists), keep in mind the aim – Hamper! First, sit on the paper being worked on. When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table. When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering the, to the best of your ability. After being removed for the second time, push pens, pencils, and erasers off the table, one at a time.

When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to jump on the back of the paper. They love to jump.

As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human, especially: on stairs, when they have something in their arms, in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning. This will help their coordination skills.

Always sleep on the human at night so he/she cannot move around. These keeps the human safe and secure in the knowledge that you are around.

This is important. Get enough sleep in the daytime so you are fresh for playing "catch mouse" or "King of the Hill" on the human’s bed between 2 and 4am. Any small item, such as a paper clip, bottle cap, pen or piece of paper, is a potential toy. If a human tries to confiscate it, run with it under the bed. Ignore any items given to you.

On order to get energy to sleep, play and hamper, a cat must eat. Eating, however, is only half the fun. The other half is getting the food. Cats have two ways to obtain food: convincing a human you are starving to death and must be fed "NOW" and hunting for it oneself. The following are guidelines for getting food:

• When humans are eating, make sure you leave the tip of your tail in their dishes when they are not looking. When they are looking, stare and feign emancipation.
• Never eat food from your own bowl if it can be stolen from the table.
• Never drink from your own water bowl if a human’s glass is full enough to drink from. IF the kitchen sink is full of water, drink from here. Remember: paw prints look great on stainless steel, and parents are always keep to look at your artistic skills.
• Should you catch something outside it is a good idea to carry this into the house and present it to your humans. This reminds them of your independence and feline ferocity.

 Anonymous.