Web Site number 11 ( A.N.Wilson pub Daily Telegraph)

I! Welcome to the most popular Web site on the world, Web site number 11. It’s your window into where it’s all at. So, do use it. Access Our Great Leader’s mind. Feel at one with his power, and his strength. The good news just doesn’t stop, does it? For the first time in anyone’s memory England knocks Australia all over the cricket field. Now, that isn’t just an accident. Any more than it was when Our Leader was able to go to Europe and deliver some very tough talking to the so-called "socialists" of the European nations.

He was able to deliver the same message to Chancellor Kohl: namely that Our Leader is now the most popular Head of State since records began. There has been so much good news that you may have missed one important story. It’s not just that we now win the cricket matches. It’s not just that Europe drools at Our leader’s feet. British science is now the best in the world, and that’s official.

The first mission to Mars, led by British scientists from space agency NASA will be setting off at the beginning of July. Borrowing an idea from Our Leader’s speeches on Ireland, it is to be called the Mars Express. Let Our Leader hear no more winging and whining from the science professors that the British Government has not contributed a penny towards this scheme.

Did Our leader pay for the cricket balls at Edgbaston? Of course not. Yet , can anyone doubt that it was his inspiration which led directly to the first English win since W.G.Grace? Professor Pillinger, you complain that the Government has not put " one pound on the table yet" to pay for your flight to Mars. Be well advised that the Mars Express could leave whether or not you are on it. It will be taking Our Leader’s message into Outer Space. Planting his new message, both nationalist and socialist, in the farthest reaches of Mars. Conquest of which even Julius Caesar or Alexander the great could only dream.

Eighty-two per cent, Professor Pillinger, Eighty-two per cent of the population of this little planet love Our Leader more than they love their own children, more than their husbands or wives. In five years’ time, Our Leader will be loved on Mars. He gives his firm commitment that the people of Mars will be able to vote for their own assembly, always remembering that Absolute Power rests with him, the Leader, in Westminster. What? He hears you ask, only 82 per cent? Who are the remaining few who stubbornly hold back? Assuming that well over 10 per cent of the population, after 18 long Tory years, are suffering from senility, quite frankly this still leaves a worrying two per cent who have failed to be won over.

Let them have no doubts, the Excalibur Computer has been operating a strict Surveillance System from Day One of Our Leaders victory. Peter Mandelson, in government offices, and out of them, updates the data on a daily basis. We know who you are and Web site number 11 can quickly expose you. This week one of the men who led the party to defeat in the old days of elections, mocked Our Leader. He tried to make jokes about Excalibur. "The vale of Avalon ( it is not prudent to mention Camelot) has been thoroughly modernised" he quipped in a remark supposed to be funny- but no one is impressed by his showing off about the books he thinks he has read about King Arthur.

For most of us, frankly,, it was enough to take the kids to see Walt Disney’s Camelot. A Great Day Out. Nothing whatsoever, incidentally, to do with the firm running the national Lottery- so you got that wrong, Roy Hattersley. He is the Tub of Lard. He is Yesterday’s man. He is finished. To all the geeks out here: try to access Hattersley on your HASBEENS icon, and you’ll find that your VDU just goes blank. Which is just what happened to everyone when he was Deputy leader of the Old party.

If he had been reading the Good News, which comes in hour by hour about Our Leader, Hattersley would have known that Chris Smith actually talked very tough indeed to the fat cats of Camelot. He told them that unless they gave away their fat bonuses, he’d make them resign. After a climb down in which the fat cats agreed to give a small amount of their shareholder’s profits to a charity of Chris Smith’s choice, the people knew who was Boss.

If Hattersley were a proper writer, like John Mortimer, he would know what to think. This week John has said " I am so happy. Everyone is so happy…." That is why Our Leader is so much loved. That is why he no longer needs to go to Parliament to meet the Lobby Fodder. In a weekly Question and Answer Sharing Session he will meet you, the People. Before carefully selected audiences each week, he will spell out his hard-hitting message. The Sun has Got His Hat on. Hip, hip, hip hooray.