Hi, Everyone! Welcome to the most popular web site in the Solar System. Web Site number 11.Web sites the world over can give you the boring stuff, but no other web site can access the mind of Our leader.

And first a message for Larry Purnell, an A-level student from Worcester Sixth Form College. Yes, you Larry! Bet that made you sit up a bit. You were the lad who attended Our Leader’s first public Question Time at Worcester’s guildhall. After the people had crowded in to hear Our leader, you were the one who said " There should have been a smaller group so we could have had a more confrontational discussion".

Look, Larry. It was pretty obvious to anyone who attended that rally in Worcester that no one wants confrontation with Our Leader. Didn’t you see the expression on their faces as he spoke? Didn’t you begin to see what he meant when he first came to office, and promised that where there was despair, he would bring hope, where there was injury pardon? So if you want small groups Larry, we are sorry to disappoint you. You’ll have to go and join the Tories, who get smaller and smaller all the time. No, but seriously, Our leader had one very, very important message for the people of Worcester, which they were able to take away with them from Friday’s rally. It was this. He will not tolerate – and you can read his lips – he will not, repeat not – tolerate alcopops. This time he means business.

Of course, there are other very important things on the government’s agenda, and Our Leader can give you his solemn word that they will be dealt with. You remember the Tories’ claim that the New Party would abolish the health service? This week the new party showed what complete rubbish that was by beginning the first stage of our reforms, which were all set out in the manifesto.

So was the sale of London Underground. Our Supporters in the press have long urged us to have a special authority for London. Well – we have one: Our Leader! And he has told John Prescott to go out there and sell off London Underground to the highest bidder. Already we’ve had interest from several big companies in Japan, Korea, and elsewhere; and in due course we’ll announce who has won the franchise.

Our Leader has to delegate these comparatively small matters while he concentrates on the big issue of the day: alcopops.

Already, he’s got the Prince Charles on board. The Prince has shown himself very excited by a lot of Our Leader’s ideas. You remember Our Leader’s speech about modern architecture – the joke about "the "monstrous carbuncle"? No one can accuse Our Leader of being afraid to stick his neck out. Remember Our Leader’s love of gardening and Shakespeare? The Prince has done his best to adapt himself to these. And now, having followed the educational fashions of the 1970’s for, quite frankly, too long, the Royal Family has at last come round to Our Leader’s view that education should be about traditional values: such as teaching young people to start their own Rock groups, and private businesses. That’s why he is so pleased that Prince Charles has shown such a positive interest in Our Leader’s Trust for kids.

David Blunkett has been told not to mince his words when he meets the Prince. If Charles wants to put his weight behind Our Leader’s Trust, that’s fine, welcome aboard. But we want much, much more from him about the horrendous dangers of kids drinking alcopops. It’s no good, quite honestly, just teaching a kid computer skills or traditional horticulture if they are nipping off to drink alcopops.

And Our Leader hasn’t been afraid to talk tough on the same issue in Amsterdam. Helmut, Jacques, Wim and all our other partners have known perfectly well for over a fortnight – ever since Noordwijk – that Britain is now the Leader in Europe. We’re the brokers over the Single Currency debate, which is why Gordon has drawn up his Wait and See ( some people call it negotiate and Decide) Policy. It’s one of the policies which won us the election – our absolutely firm view that we should not make up our minds until everyone else has done so. That’s just firm, plain Common Sense.

Where Our Leader is frankly irritated with Helmut and Jacques is over their slowness to listen to him over the alcopops question. When Britain takes the presidency of the EU, there will be some shake-ups! There wont be any more lunches lasting several hours with wine being drunk. Of course there is nothing wrong with the very occasional glass of chardonnay. And different countries have different traditions. When they come to London for their lunch, they’ll find we keep a clear head for the afternoon’s business, by eating a light meal – maybe a sandwich – with Ribena or Appeltise. What they won’t find – and Our leader is absolutely firm on this one – is any British Government Minister drinking alcopops.