Further news from the A.N. Wilson column in The Daily Telegraph

 Our Leader takes time out to annex Tuscany

Hi! You’re on-line. Welcome to the next 100 days. At the end of this week, you will have passed through the most exciting 100 days in British History. They were days which changed everything. The landscape is literally different. The British people can walk tall again in the world. The nightmare is over. They no longer live with the embarrassment of a weak government. A government that was so weak that it could not even win by-elections. A government which, every few months, was rocked by some sensational story of senior ministers cheating on their wives. Above all a government of "sleaze" and fat cats who created a moral muddle. We never quite knew, did we, whether the businessmen who supported the last government were taking decisions which benefited you, the British people, or benefited their own fat-cat offshore securities in places like Jersey?

So, welcome to the new era, where all that sort of thing has been swept away. You have all earned a rest! Our Leader does not blame you if you have found the pace of things exhausting. That is why he has sent his Government off on their holidays. While they relax on the beach with their gay partners or their secretaries, Our Leader recognises that this is often, for them, a personal tragedy. He’s not going to interfere or poke his nose into their private lives. But this is a useful breathing space, during which Peter can do the rounds of their departments and just check on how they are performing. He will be doing perfectly routine checks on their personal files and organisers, as well as assessing productivity. There is still some dead weight in the party, and we will be looking for excuses to get rid of some of it.

Meanwhile, on your behalf, Our Leader is in Tuscany. This is perfectly inline with his idea that, for patriotic reasons, the cabinet should all take their holidays in Britain this year. He is showing just a little bit of tact, that’s all. The Prescotts aren’t going to feel very relaxed on their caravan site in Prestatyn, or wherever they go, if they look up every morning and see Our Leader striding across for a quick game of tennis with his kids.

Besides, in a very real sense, Tuscany is part of Britain. Most of the villas are occupied by loyal supporters of Our Leader. (Carla Powell is almost the only Italian he has met so far!) Even Our Leader likes to take a break from politics now and again, you know. A typical holiday morning for him is as follows.

• 6.00am. Woken by Peter, telephoning from Whitehall. He and his team, disguised for the night as charwomen, have been through Harriet Harman’s wastebasket. They discussed implications, and agree to the policy of leaving her in place, while Frank Field gets on with the real work of dismantling, that is to say, restructuring, the Benefits and Pensions systems.
• 7.10am Wake children for bathe in the pool with Cherie. After a bathe, over the muesli, the children take it in turn to read the day’s Bible passage. This holiday, they’re reading I Peter, one of Our Leader’s real favourites.
• 7.40am Back on the line to Peter. A stupid mistake. He and Frank, still wearing their pinafore disguises and charlady turbans have been arrested by the security police in the DHSS. It takes about 10 minutes to sort this out. While they get clearance from MI5, Peter and Our Leader discuss ideas for the Royal +Yacht. Basically, they follow the idea sketched out between the Government and the Prince of Wales in Hong Kong harbour – i.e. yacht to be leased to a consortium of Chinese businessmen for half the year, and renamed Camilla. Prince to support New Party in all it’s major policy initiatives relating to employment, abolition of the House of Lords etc.
• 8.05am. Conversation with Peter ends. Ten very important minutes for Our Leader enjoying quality time with Cherie and the kids. Cherie briefs Our Leader on the social programme for the day which will include lunch with the Mortimers and Lord Wyatt of the Weeford, and dinner with Melvn Bragg, Lord Lambton and Alexander Chancellor.
• From 9.05 to 11.15am – time on their own. Our Leader starts to daydream. Maybe Tuscany should be part of Britain. Maybe the people of Tuscany should be allowed to decide this matter for themselves with a referendum. When Giulio, the old butler, brings Our Leader his Ribena and biscuits at 10.33, Our Leader is already practising his speech to the Italian people. " For too long, you have been drifting without proper leadership…." "Si, si," says Giulio with tears in his old eyes, "This is the language we like a to hear. Please, duce! Too long we drift…."

Another idea has struck Our Leader. "The trains!" he says, "The settlement trains and the ordinary trains…."

"I know" says Giulio "You make-a them run on time….."