Further news from the A.N. Wilson column in The Daily Telegraph

Hi! YOU’RE on line to Our Leader’s Web site. Soyez le Bienvenu. Wilkommen.Ciao! All Europe is tuning in now to web site number 11. For too long, as Our Leader once said, we Europeans have drifted and fudged. Now’s the time to do.

Last week the Polizia di Stato found they had a new striker in the Squad! What for them had been a five-a side friendly had suddenly got hot in the hills of Tuscany. A new experience for the younger generation of Italians; a man who spoke with authority, a man who could make that ball do what he wanted, a striker with class.

The Germans noticed it too! Do you remember, just a little over 100 days ago, how Chancellor Kohl was regarded as the big man of Europe, the giant of the game, who was going to settle the important question of the European currency? By many standards, yes, Helmut is a big man. But in Amsterdam he was left gasping. A young man sped past him on a bike, and a new era had begun. Now Helmut is in difficulty with his single-currency scheme. He and the German people have turned to the only man in Europe who can help them – the only man with sufficiently fast footwork and technique to notch up those goals for Europe.. "Germans look to Blair to save currency project"… You’re gonna se a lot of headlines like that soon.

That’s why, in the midst of his very private family holiday in a château near Toulouse, Our Leader is in touch with all the European leaders, and why he and Lionel Jospin will be kicking a ball about in a political friendly this weekend. Because Our Leader’s the man they can trust. Because he’s their leader too. Because he’s in touch with the people of Europe. Because, above all, he and his team are anxious, as Peter has been emphasising in policy statements over the past few days "to bring people back into what the rest of us regard as normal life".

There’s a great deal of pernicious nonsense talked, by enemies of Our Leader, about what constitutes a normal existence. Hattersley, the Tub of Lard, eaten up with envy of Our leader, whinges about dependency-junkies who are hungry for one day a week until their Giro comes through. He somehow thinks that normal people, in their châteaux and villas, are interested in these sentimental stories, which have about as much relevance to a modern, efficient Europe, quite frankly, as a Dickens novel.

Of course, Our Leader cares about the unemployed – and not just in England, which is why, rather than risking a delay in building the Millenium Dome (another very normal design by an extraordinarily normal architect, Richard Rogers), the Greenwich Mandelsonium is to be built by a German task force rather than British "workers".

Equally, Our Leader demanded the full declaration of private interests by Tory MPs, and was elected to clean up the whole image of government. That does not mean that he needs to persecute normal people like Lord Simon who – perfectly legally and reasonably – have millions of pounds in offshore securities; or Michael Levy, another man raised to the peerage by Our Leader, whose multi-million music industry contributed to the "blind fund" which led Our Leader to his glorious victory.

Lord levy, now appointed as fund-raiser-in-chief for Our Leader, is described by the enemies of truth, in a Left-wing propaganda sheet, as throwing ashtrays if he does not get his own way. "He is extremely tough, one of the hardest bastards I’ve ever met" says a friend.

Well, look, from now on, tough is normal. Lord Levy and Lord Simon are "driven men".That’s how the Tuscan Striker likes them. Margaret Cook is understandably cross that the Leadership forced a snap decision by Robin: either regard his 28-year marriage as "Robin and Margaret’s tragedy", or go for a wee walk down McMaster Avenue, as they call it in Paisley.

Yes, Margaret – this is a party of "over-driven psyches". That means there will be some tragedies. Margaret Cook’s is one. Jane Kennedy, a Government whip, announced another tragedy in her own marriage just recently. Enemies of Our Leader would call these scandals. But scandal is a thing of the past in the New Europe, in Our Leader’s Europe. Frankly, we’re all too busy. We’ve got a job of work to do.

We held out the chance to the Prince of Wales that he too could join the team while Our Leader claimed – rightly, surely? Some of the credit for his Prince’s Trust. We offered him a fair deal. If he pledged support for the Leader, we would befriend Camilla, and show sympathy for his very normal and very tragic personal circumstances.

Now the Prince’s advisers have told him to "distance himself" from Our Leader. So be it. If he wants to make a fool of himself with his sordid extra-marital affairs and his privileged lifestyle rather than support Our Leader, that’s entirely up to him. Less than half the electorate want the monarchy to continue. More than 90% want Our Leader’s reign to last for at least a thousand years.