Be joyful, and put your trust in us

Hi! YOU are on-line to the grooviest, most modern Web site on the superhighway. You are in touch with the mind of Our Leader.

It has been a great week. An historic week. Scotland has declared it’s wish to follow his lead and to modernise. From Galashiels to Wick, from Dunoon to Drumnadrochit, they are now modern people, in touch with their feelings, forging a new Scotland for a new century. They did not listen to the has-beens who told them that the tax-raising parliament would lead to a withdrawal of the English subsidies to Scotland, the raising of Scottish tax, or the break-up of the United Kingdom.

And that’s for one very special reason. They trusted Our Leader. They knew that these separate nations of ours are now United in a special way. They are united in one thing. Sure – they can have their own assemblies, their own democracies, if you like. And that’s good. But they are united in the love of Our Leader. They know that he will not rest until he has stamped his personality on every aspect of national life, and made it modern.

The Welsh will be the next to make the same thrilling discovery. When they see the expressions of joy on the faces of the Scots, they will put their doubts aside. They will not listen to cynics who say the Westminster government wants to weaken Scotland and Wales by giving them " talking shops" but less influence, or that the local assemblies are the first stage in our absorption into a Euro superstate. The Welsh will put aside their doubts and put their trust in one who has never let them down before. Our Leader.

Two other important institutions have now felt the heelprint of Our Leader’s loving, very caring boot: the Monarchy and the Church. You know, until the very sad events in Paris, there were some people, including the Queen, who did not realise this country was seething with people who longed for Our Leader to make Monarchy modern. Gently, firmly and lovingly, Our Leader wrote down a few words on the back of an envelope, and told the Queen to read them out on television." I speak to you," he wrote "as a Queen and as a Grandmother" – words he’d learnt from Margaret, incidentally. Meanwhile, Our Leader has persuaded the Prince of Wales there are no options in this one, frankly. They saw what happened in the Labour Party when it refused to modernise. Only when it submitted completely to Our Leader’s will, did the dead shell of the Labour Party become the New Labour Party. Only by giving up the old concept of " United Kingdom" and adopting instead the idea of "United behind Our Leader" has Scotland become, in just three short days, one of the most progressive economies, frankly, in the Western World.

The Monarchy has the chance to become that modern, that popular, if it will only follow Our Leader’s directions and obey him. For little William Hague to suggest that Our Leader has been manipulating these sad events for his own political ends is disgraceful, and Our Leader dictated a furious and distressed denial to that effect to be read out from Buckingham Palace.

There’s an idea in the Gospels, isn’t there, that unless a grain of seed falls into the ground and dies, it cannot live. But that gain needs a special touch to bring it into life – someone with green fingers. There is only one pair of hands in this newly United Kingdom whose fingers are green enough to make the People love their Prince.