Hi! You’re online to Web site number 11, capital of the information superhighway. This is the database which puts you in touch with the mind of Our Leader. No middle-men. No journalists to distort the story. The enemies of Our Leader have been busy this week, spreading their pathetic lies. There is talk of disagreement in our glorious New Party. Our leader wants to say to the people who spread such lies: Look here, John Robin. You may think you can leak lying stories about Our Leader and his Cabinet to your friends in the Press. But the eye of Our Leader is always on you.

So, let’s clear up some of those lies, shall we? As you all know, Our Leader is a national asset so valuable that it would not be possible to put a price on his services. Remember what happened when he went on holiday for just a few weeks in the summer? Montserrat erupted. John made a very childish remark comparing Peter to a crab, the millenium project came under threat. Only when Our Leader returned did things quieten down. The volcano was still when it heard his voice, you can’t cost a skill like that, frankly.

That’s why, when Our Leader was voted a salary rise of a mere £40,000 – roughly what Cherie would take for one of her more modestly paid weeks in court – Our Leader patriotically turned it down. So, too, Gordon announced that, as a batchelor, he did not need a salary increase. They both thought, quite honestly, that it would look shabby if they took huge increases at a time when various public sector workers are being told to rein back.

When Our Leader announced the pay rise to the Cabinet, they all rejoiced. But their joy was not because they were getting more money. He reminded them of the text in Matthew (Good News Vesion): "Look here, don’t put your money in pensions which a future Chancellor might tax. Lay your treasures up in Heaven."

When they heard this, the cabinet all rejoiced with exceedingly great joy… And Our Leader can assure you of that fact, with his hand on his heart. Robin and John in particular were really, really pleased to hear that they weren’t going yo have a rise of £16,000. Jack Cunningham said, "This is the best news I’ve had all year". That’s the truth. There was no dissent whatsoever. Nor has there been any quarrelling in the Party about the decision to revive Excalibur, the computer database, at a cost of £250,000. Some people have been worried that Excalibur has not been fed any new information since May 1.

It is now useless, say these enemies of the People. That is why so many so-called blunders have occurred – Cabinet ministers coming on the radio and making mistakes. Like John, telling radio audiences that there had been "arguments" over cabinet pay. We should not need Excalibur if everyone remained switched on to Web site number 11 at all times.

As some of you will know, MI5 are now directly enlisted to help Our Leader rebuild the country. The Head of MI5 has issued a personal apology to Peter for the leaking of confidential information regarding his private life. This information has now been shredded, but MI5 has been given some exciting New Tasks to perform for the Leader.

As some of you will have read, they will be helping Frank Field in his fight against those benefit cheats and bureaucrats who are destroying our great Welfare System. Already, they have identified a figure in the DHSS who gets in Frank’s hair. Code-named Harm, because of the damage she is doing to the Party, this undesirable element will one day be purged from the Cabinet.

Meanwhile, with Peter’s help, and the best modern surveillance techniques, Our Leader is able to keep a very caring eye on all his friends and colleagues. Maybe you’d like to help him? Maybe you know the names of a few Welsh troublemakers (followers of Old Labour) who expressed doubts about devolution? They have been swept aside by the tides of history, of course. The overwhelming majority of the Welsh people voted for Our Leader’s plan to Make Wales Modern. Just a few diehards tried to cause trouble.

Maybe you’d like to send in their names. Or maybe you know a Cabinet Minister – he could be living near you – who is suffering from a personal tragedy – the tragedy of having to provide a flat for his wife and his girlfriend, and who could do with an extra £16,000. If so, do message Our leader. You will find him wonderfully supportive.