A hard rain’s gonna fall on Old Labour

Hi! FROM Brighton! You are on line to the sharpest, hippest, and frankly, the most modern Web site on the Information Superhighway. And, first, a big Thank –You from Our leader. Thanks to all of you who have accessed this Web site with the names of the seven- percent who responded to the latest survey of Our Leader's popularity with negative or uncertain votes. As you know, there has never been a more popular Leader than Our Leader. Ninety-three per cent of you accessed this site to say so. But the survey revealed that there was still a troubling four per cent who said, ridiculously, that Our Leader was doing a bad job. Well, we know perfectly well who they are Hattersley, the Tub of lard, Livingstone, and the other tiny band of Old Labour supporters.

There’s no hope for people like them. They are in the dustbin of history. So, OK, Livingstone got on to the NEC. But, quite frankly, the NEC has about as much authority as an English parish council. What worries Our Leader is the four per cent of "Don’t Knows). Maybe we should acknowledge that our communications system has been at fault. How else could there be people who "Don’t Know" Our Leader’s Healing Touch – who Don’t Know his Goodness, who don’t know what’s been happening to Our Country since May1? Have they not heard Margaret’s words to Rupert – "Trust him – he’s a patriot! You’ll be all right with Tony".

So the message on today’s Web site, and the message from this week’s conference, is very simple – go out and convert those four per cent "Don’t Knows", and tell them about Our Leader.

During yesterday’s moving service at the opening of the conference, the New Party was privileged to hear Bob Dylan singing Blowin’ in the Wind . He asked, how many roads must a man walk down before he can truly know himself a man? There is still a tragic four per cent who do not know the answer to that question: that there is one road, one way – the path mapped out by Our Leader (incidentally it would have been nice if all senior colleagues had been able to attend the service, The pictures of some of you a the races gave a somewhat conflicting impression).

So that’s the first point – go out and tell the four per cent, And the second is very important too: it’s that we are all a big, happy team. Our Leader hates the "cult of personality". No, really! He would be happy if his picture never appeared in the papers ever again. What he wants, from the bottom of his heart, is for the New Team to bring Britain back to its feet.

We can only do that together. And we can only do it buy being modern. Now that’s gonna mean some long hard thinking, and some tough decisions. As the Catholic Bishop of Arundel and Brighton reminded us in his sermon (when some colleagues were at the races, disappointingly), "It ain’t no use to sit and wonder why babe, if you don’t know by now".

That’s why the life of this great New Party of our’s can’t all be soundbites and photo opportunities and empty rhetoric. That’s why this Web site has been giving you the hard tough facts about the hard tough decisions that some colleagues will have to take. Frank and Harriet will have to work out their differences and present the public with cuts in welfare which not everyone is gonna like. The other Frank, over at Health, is going to have to warn us that if we haven’t taken out private health insurance then we can forget about that hip replacement. Gordon is going to have to tell us absolutely firmly and unequivocally, whether, if the circumstances were right, and the opinion polls were on his side, he might agree with Robin that it was too late, or too early, to enter the Single Currency.

'Cos that’s what those 93per cent elected us for. They did not want any more faffing about. They wanted us to get on and finish the job. And they knew that it was something which, if necessary, would call for some unpopular decisions by Our Leader’s colleagues. Particularly by colleagues who were already unpopular with Our Leader.

So let’s hear no more about difficulties beneath the surface. Let’s hear no more from the Tub of Lard brigade about David Blunkett and Tessa Blackstone being more Right wing than the Tories. True, by introducing student loans they are going to make themselves unpopular. Hated, in fact. Our Leader, don’t forget, is above the fray. He knows that a lotta students, and a lotta student’s mums, are hurting inside. He’s the People’s Leader, the Leader of Hearts. Trust him. The answer is blowin’ in the wind.