(Sorry there are a few back numbers due to cock up!)

Hi! Our Leader is furious, frankly. Furious and hurt. Look. What more do the media want? So there have been some - er, better make that "procedural"? No – presentational difficulties. But it makes Our Leader hopping mad, quite honestly. To open a paper and find himself pilloried, absolutely pilloried. Accused of not being straight.

How many? – no .. how many?.. John, please.. how many politicians can you remember who have had the guts, the sheer simple goodness, to come on television to try to save his popularity ratings? A lotta guys would have hidden behind a screen of civil servants when the going got tough. Not Our Leader. A Guy’s Gotta Do What A Guys Gotta Do.

He jus’ went to Cherie’s dressing table. Slapped on a faceful of Clinique foundation cream. With just two short dabs of the paint brush put a couple of boyish blushes into his cheeks. Carefully applied to his lips the Yardley Stay Fast which Peter had given him for his birthday. Brushed his hair forward into a "Caesar" fringe. And he was ready for John Humpyrys. Let the cameras roll!

You know there are some tough choices facing this country in the coming years. Like who in hell is going to pay £40 to visit Peter’s Millenium Dome. Like whether we keep the very British sport of Formula One racing, or whether we lose it. ( There have been 10 applications for Formula One. Each and every one of those countries, if it got the franchise, would zoom back the races into British homes. Each and every one would have tobacco advertising.)

These are the sort of issues, frankly, which got Our Leader elected. These are what made him the most popular guy in the world. The People’s Leader. Or take his other ideas – a computer in every school. Every kid on line. E-mail in every home. Designated no-smoking areas in every restaurant and pub.

These were popular main stream issues which made Britain vote for change. Vote for Our Leader. It is completely ridiculous to turn round and, you know. Start wanting, er. The Government. You know. Er. To make up its mind about a single currency. To get lone mothers back to work. To improve schools and hospitals.

Look. We’ve handed over control of exchange rates to the banks. As soon as we can, the Exchequer will be managed from Europe. Robin will sign up to agreed foreign policy and defence policy. Local matters will be handled by regional assemblies.

That leaves Peter and his friends with the vital role they were given by the people. Our Leader’s not afraid to use words such as "trust", "popularity", "adoration", even. These are words which sum up the people’s feelings for Our Leader. He would never do anything improper. Two things he will do. The people know him well enough by now to know what these things are. The first is – Smile. The second is never, ever, go back on his election pledges.

You remember the catch phrase? Presentation, presentation, presentation. Our Leader knows that if he is given enough terms of office – let’s say three, four – he can make Britain not just a good country to live in. But a great. A great…er. A great day out for the all the family. Britain could be the Alton Towers of Europe. The Disney World of the world.

In the past – in the bad old days when the party lost election after election – we couldn’t afford, quite frankly, to spend millions of pounds on PR men and advertising agencies. Charles and Maurice were still helping Margaret win election after election. We thought that with trade union funding and a few posters we could get our message across. Unfortunately it was not a message anyone wanted to hear. Like it was higher taxes. Planned Economy. Policies.

All that is behind us now. Peter and Our Leader have assembled a team of all that is great about New Britain. Our greatest historian, Paul Johnson, has said there is now a new alignment in British Politics. Lord Simon. Anita Roddick. Max Mosley.Carla Powell. Terence Conran. Melvyn Bragg. The Saatchis. Paul and Marigold themselves. All very rich.