Hi! ALL of you are now linked up to Agenda, the massive new database that enables Our Leader to keep you all on-message. This is particularly important for Cabinet colleagues. There have been some nasty instances lately of colleagues trying to think for themselves.

This is just silly, frankly. Look at the mess Gordon got into last week, with his psychological flaws. From now on, various other colleagues will be sharing his duties. Jack, a very valued member of the team, will be touring the country, making speeches in praise of Our Leader. Those of you who miss the chance of hearing Jack in person can always access this site. No matter what the problem Our Leader has the answer. Simply tap in the first word of your problem. Press "Rebut" and you will find Our Leader’s answer. You will also be led to any appropriate cross-refs. Example: Tap in Pisa. That’s right. You now have the words Pisa, Leaning Tower of - in your window. Click with your mouse.

Allegation: That since becoming President of the European Union, Our Leader has done nothing about the tower, which looks as if it is about to fall over. And it is reiterated that Gordon has not a s much visited his country residence at Dorneywood, whereas Our Leader is having the tennis court at Chequers resurfaced at the taxpayers’ expense. Cross-refs: See Beckett, caravan, Admiralty Arch. Lord Chancellor, Wallpaper. Fat Ladies, entertaining, etc. Rebuttal: You know the Tower at Pisa was leaning before Our Leader was swept to power by waves of popular goodwill last May. If anyone had the responsibility for keeping it upright it was the Treasury. So this one is another of Gordon’s gaffes, frankly. Nevertheless, Our Leader has now seized the initiative. Plans to have the tower as upright as Canary Wharf will be operational by 2000.

The Committee for Pisa will be chaired by and eight year old kid known as Christian. His surname cannot be released for legal reasons. Already, he and Richard Rogers have roughed out an exciting logo version of the new tower. It will have elevators, plate-glass lifts and reinforced concrete beams to prevent any future leaning problems. But let’s hear no more nonsense about "perks". Our Leader’s not gonna go around apologising for the "perks" which colleagues deserve, fair and square. Derry has pointed out that some of these perks were not invented by New Labour, but have gone with the job since the time of Henry VIII. That’s why Our Leader’s not going to say sorry to a few liberal newspapers just because the Straight Tower of Pisa might very well contain apartments for colleagues and their partners.

It is completely untrue that Our Leader has offered one floor of the tower as a bolthole to his friends Bill, Hillary, and Monica. It is also a wicked lie, quite honestly, that a whole floor has been designated "Foreign Office" and earmarked for Robin and Gaynor. Frankly, the story about Robin sacking " an exemplary civil servant" at the FCO to make way for Gaynor is sheer fabrication. Incidentally, mention of Bill and Hillary reminds Our Leader to call all Cabinet Colleagues on that subject. It never was true, you know, that Cherie and Hillary were so very close. Of course, you have to be polite when foreign dignitaries visit a head of government a s important as Our Leader. But the idea that Our Leader and Cherie had a "special relationship" with Bill and Hillary is just silly. Try clicking "travel expenses, colleagues" with your mouse. Exactly! You will get a message back saying "Too many to list: see Henderson, Doug, £570 in Luxembourg etc, etc," Gordon upset Margaret the other day in Cabinet by asking why she needed an Admiralty Arch apartment – annual cost £99,895.

There have been similar sneering questions about the cost of a new German kitchen in No.11. The wonder is that the kitchen ever got finished at all. The workmen had to put up with a barrage of requests from the flat in No.10 that they should "keep noise levels to a minimum". Gordon even complained that they played Goodbye, England.s Rose on their transistor. But, you know, if the People’s Princess taught us anything, it was the therapeutic effect of a good old spending spree. That’s why Our Leader will never, repeat never, be deflected from his purpose, and all this talk of "waste" is itself just a waste of breath, frankly.