Hi! AND we’re talking here, like, global. This week, Our Leader will, just for once, be turning his back on Lil Ole England and taking his place where he feels at home. On the world stage. As a major player. A big hitter. Saddam, just watch it, will you. Washington here we come Ye-hi!

Our Leader is too big a man to mind, or even notice, some of the sheer pettiness that bogs down neighbours, friends, and colleagues at home. All the same when Concorde lands at Andrews tomorrow, Our leader is hoping he might get a game of tennis without the sort of whingeing he’s suffered on this side of the Atlantic.

While the courts at Chequers are being resurfaced you might have thought that the local RAF base would have been pleased to let him use their facilities. But some members of Halton Tennis Club have been whingeing that it was "impossible to play" at the club where they’ve paid their sub. Have these people no sense of priorities?

The, there’s been Clare, expressing her "concern" over benefit "cuts". Yes, Clare.YOU. You probably thought you were being very clever with your jokes about the presentation of policy.

Some of us, Clare, happen to think that presentation is rather important, Clare, Like, not shooting your mouth off about Monserrat, frankly. Your fear of flying, Clare, is well known to Our Leader. Maybe before you start shooting your mouth off, you should think again. It is always open to Our Leader to reshuffle you to be air minister. And there’s always, for tiresome women who are "impossible to work with", the last resort. The sack.

Not that Robin necessarily chose the right time or place to state that he found his diary secretary "impossible". Margaret was threatening the other day to make things worse by accusing Robin of a "cruel slight". Alastair and Peter were able to help her draft her revised statement which stressed the "amicable " nature of their divorce.

Thanks, Margaret. A little more support of this kind would have been welcome, too, from the bishops, frankly. Rather than asking Our Leader to comment on utterly trivial matters such as Robin’s private life, they might be lending him support on his concern for an ethical foreign policy.

Which brings us back to Our Leader’s trip to Washington. In case the bishops, the press, the Benns, and the Dalyells of this world had not noticed, Bill and Hillary provided the new Party with many of its insights into how a clapped-out old party of the Left could win not one, but two elections.

They did so by "balancing the books", cutting welfare reform and outflanking their so-called Right–wing opponents by hawkish foreign policy and tough economics. As a sop to the Left, they offered PC attitudes to homosexuals in the Armed Forces and gave many senior jobs to women.

That’s why Bill and Hillary, Cherie and Our Leader, who had never even met until last year, are now able to boast that " the depth of their personal relationship is ever more important".

Knowing of Our Leader’s deeply-held Christian views, Bill was a little anxious that tomorrow’s trip would be cancelled in the light of the Clintons’ tragedies over the past couple of weeks. The media wanted us to believe that Bill had suffered a tragedy not only with Gennifer and Paula and Monica but also with hundreds of other women.

It would indeed have been a tragedy if Our Leader had been associated with a failure. "Impeach" is not a word Our Leader wants to hear used about one of his best, best, friends. He needn’t have worried. The latest opinion polls reveal the President is now more popular than ever.

Alastair and Peter have even been working on a "worst-case" scenario. If Our leader’s popularity dipped below 93 per cent , would there be a "Lewinsky option" here. Our Leader thinks this is, frankly, silly. Though various female graduates are being interviewed at the moment for minor staff jobs at No.10.

But, for the present, it’s on with business. Let’s make some foreign policy, and let’s make it ethical. While Hillary and Cherie, high powered lawyers and very much women in their own right incidentally, do some important things such as shopping for the cameras. Our leader and Bill are gonna hone the details of a strike on Baghdad.

Maybe the media will be just a little less interested in the Monicas and Gaynors of this world if they wake up one morning and find there’s a war on. If that doesn’t show the bishops where Our Leader’s Christian priorities lie, then frankly he doesn’t know what does.